オンライン英会話の私のレギュラー先生に英作文の添削をお願いしました。いつもはニュース記事を読んでディスカッションするのですが、最近会話に重きをおきすぎて、どうも自分の英語の正確性に自信を持てなくなってきているので添削をお願いしました。
英作文を書いて添削してもらうのは英語をより polish するのによい方法です。
まずは先日の私の英作文から
I have a part-time work today. I'll earn 8,000 yen through my work. My workplace is a communal facility, that's why we can't close our office despite of the approaching super-typhoon. Although if we close it, no one will be in trouble for better or worse.
Our boss, the representative of the city's tourism department, didn't mention about closing our office. It's ridiculous.
I was supposed to have a day off today. But I expected one of my co-worker wouldn't get to our office due to the stopping trains. So I said to her " I would work instead of you". Because I'm living in the neighboring area of our office.
I'm supposed to work with another co-worker. I also said to her "Don't force yourself to come to the office in typhoon" the other day.
Probably, I'll enjoy Internet surfing picking my nose at the empty office.The building which accommodates our office might be an evacuation center. If so, I can't enjoy my idoling time. Because I have to care what others think.
According to the wheather report, the typhoon will affect the most in our area 6-8 PM.If it's correct, I'll stay in the office for several hours. I'll bring extra food just in case.
先生の添削がこちらです。赤字が添削ポイントです。
I have a part-time work today. My workplace is a communal facility. The building which accommodates our office might be turned into an evacuation center that's why we can't close our office despite the approaching super-typhoon. Although if we close it, no one will be in trouble for better or worse.
8,000円稼ぎますという文章は全体とは関係ないので削除されました。後半にあった私のオフィスが入っているビルが避難所になるかもしれまいという文章が、この第１パラグラフに移動させられました。話の流れ上、次の「だから事務所を閉めることができない」という文章とうまく繋がるからです。
It's ridiculous that our boss, the representative of the city's tourism department, didn't mention about closing our office.
２つの文章を一つにまとめられました。
I was supposed to have a day off today. But as expected one of my co-worker couldn't get to our office due to the cancellation of all train services. So I told to her, "I would work instead of you since I live close to our office.
the cancellation of all train services は stopping trains より分かりやすいですね。 since I live close to our officeは Because I'm living in the neighboring area of our office よりシンプルでよいと思います。
I'm supposed to work with another co-worker but the other day, I told to her to not force herself to come to the office in during the typhoon.
ここも文章がまとめられました。
Probably, I'll enjoy surfing the internet, picking my nose at the empty office. If so, I can't enjoy my idling time.
According to the weather report, the typhoon will affect our area around 6 to 8 PM. If it's correct, I'll stay in the office for several hours and I'll bring extra food just in case.
最も影響するといいたかったthe mostが削られました。自分の中では台風の「ピークの」時間帯を言いたかったのですが・・、他の時間も影響がないわけではないですからね。
添削された感想
文章のアウトラインをまず決めて書いたほうが言いという指摘がありました。ははは、英語以前の問題ですね。まあ元々がブログ用の日記なのであまり何も考えずに書いたのがよくなかったですね。先生は大学では化学専攻で理科系ですから、けっこう論理的な文章を要求します。
あとはあまり短い文章でぶつ切りにするのはよくないようです。接続詞をうまく使いながら洗練された文章にする必要があります。
